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A confluence of web memes a couple weeks back raised two discussions over lunch: what could possibly be the enduring appeal of Archie comics, and do browsers have personalities. That conversation lingered, mixing with the hazy memories of reading Archie comics during one confused pre-teen summer, and soon I started mapping browsers to Archie characters.

The ease with which those relationships happened felt like tapping into some archetypal truth, so I decided to take it further and present the results here, tongue firmly planted in cheek.

Flock: Jughead Jones
Likeable, unique and a ravenous ambition that’s never quite realized. That Flock hasn’t caught on is unfortunate, because it does pull together the social and media-rich web in clever if visually busy ways. Jughead and Flock deserve better, but they have the same problem: they’re overshadowed by bigger personalities.

Safari: Veronica Lodge
Pretty, prim and decked out with the latest and greatest. But Veronica and Safari are both temperamental. While she can be very difficult, Veronica had enough heart to win Archie’s marriage proposal, and Safari wins mine, thought I still am troubled by it all.

Opera: Betty Cooper
She’s always doing the right thing and never getting the recognition she deserves. That’s Betty, and god knows that’s Opera, which has had so many innovations months and years before other browsers, but never gets its due in the general conversation about browser evolution.

Firefox: Archie Andrews
The reliable everyman, still humble in his extraordinary success. When any other comic character doesn’t come through, one can (questionably) turn to Archie for a nearly 100% predictable experience. And when any browser lets you down, Firefox can likely handle it.

Internet Explorer: Moose Malone
Big, huge actually. Lumbering and in the way, though not malevolent and usually just hanging out with that smile on his face. It costs a lot to bring Moose to lunch, but he’s good to have on your side. Sadly, this is also the case with Internet Explorer, whose idiosyncrasies have added countless development and support hours to projects, justified only by the massive presence it has. My understanding is that Moose has also been updated as dyslexic; ’nuff said.

Chrome: Reggie Mantle
Reggie is always trying to get the angle no matter what it takes, like the brain-transplant he tricked Moose into. Chrome is also a challenger and a slickster: fast, trim and ready to impress. He even has his own comic origin story in tow. Despite Reggie’s financial and athletic advantages, the gang often ends up drawn more to Archie’s reliability and honesty. Like Reggie, Chrome is constantly unsatisfied with its market penetration and both crave attention and validation to an almost pathological extent. Though, as far as I know, Reggie hasn’t taken to the streets in Time Square to ask people if they know him.

Conclusion
What can we take away from the application of Archie-verse archetype characters to the world of browsers? Perhaps that browsers have a distance to go before we can think of them in terms of more badass characters like Wolverine, or Professor X. That, and that the durability of Archie characters may tell us more about where we’re at and where we’re going than any of us would want to know.

All Archie character depictions are from Wikipedia, and are property of Archie Comic Publications.